Pregnant Forever

It is at this point in the pregnancy that you begin to feel that you will be pregnant forever. As people are making plans for the next few weeks, I am in limbo thinking, "Will I have had this baby by then? Maybe I will still be pregnant." My husband said today that for sure we will have the baby by Memorial Day. (He has such an odd sense of humor.) But to be honest, there are days when I think I will be pregnant forever.

I really thought I would have had this baby by now. I don't know why, but I really thought he/she would be coming early. Maybe it's because I'm so big, and so I figured when the baby hit a certain weight, it would begin the labor process on it's own. Or maybe it's because I so desperately want to go into labor naturally and not be induced this time, that I forced myself to think that he/she would be coming before my due date. A bit of my own brainwashing to be honest. At any rate, my due date is Tuesday and I have had no indication that this child is anywhere near ready to come join us on this side of my cervix.

Last week I was at peace with the baby not coming yet. I was treasuring my time with Elizabeth, and I was thankful for the extra days I got to work to earn as much as I could before going unpaid for a long time. But the other day, when I looked at myself in the mirror, I realized that I am now tired of being pregnant. I'm tired of looking like a blob, having to pee every twenty minutes, battling leg cramps during the night, and not fitting into anything (not even my maternity wear) anymore. Nine months is long enough. I have no idea how elephants do it.

However, I am sure that by this time next week, I will be looking back on today with a reminiscent smile thinking, "Oh, those were the days when I could sit at the computer for more than 2 minutes and blog." And so for today, I will be thankful to still be pregnant and acknowledge that I will not be pregnant forever.

Still Waiting

For those who are checking my blog to see if Baby #2 has arrived, the answer is...not yet!

Basic stats: 1/2 cm dialated, head down, but cervix is still too far back.

So we continue to wait. And that's okay.

Waiting

Waiting. It's a lot of what life is made up of. We wait in line at the grocery store. We wait for a package to arrive in the mail. We wait once a year for our birthday or Christmas to come. We wait for a lot.

It doesn't surprise me that Elizabeth has already learned to say the word "patience." I must say that to her at least ten times a day. Although she doesn't quite know what it means, she knows that Mommy uses it a lot, so it must be an important word. She, at 23 months, has already had to experience a lot of waiting in her little life. I'm sure her next few words will be, "Just a minute, Mommy," as that is my other form of the expression "patience" to her.

The other day, a student in my classroom asked me what he could do when he was done with his test. I told him to sit down and wait. He looked at me and courageously asked me, "Why?" And I responded with a similar dialogue as the beginning of this blog. "Because life is made up of waiting. You won't always be entertained in this life. Sometimes you simply just have to sit there and wait." Perplexed by the philosophical nature of my answer, he went back to his seat and waited.

Why am I writing about waiting today? Because that is now what I am doing. We are patiently awaiting the birth of Baby #2. Part of me wants this baby to come now. My body is done being pregnant. And yet part of me, the part that is writing this blog, is content to wait because I know that life as I know it will be so different once this baby arrives. When I wasn't pregnant, I used to look at other pregnant women and feel envy, thinking "Oh, what a special time in her life this is." Now that I am here, I want to remember that thought because this is a special time in my life. Never again will I feel this child moving about inside of me. It is a surreal feeling that cannot be replicated. I want to do as Mary, the mother of Jesus did and treasure these feelings within.

So although I can't wait to meet the little one causing this earthquake of movement inside of me, I will wait until God appoints our meeting time. His timing is perfect, and I know that this child will arrive on the exact date that He has determined. And so as He has called me to, I will wait patiently.

Where Have You Been?

My husband hates when I ask that question. It implies accountability, and sometimes I think he thinks I'm checking up on him like his step-mom or father used to do when he was a teenager. I tell him I'm just curious and want to make sure he is okay. I don't mind the question because to me it implies that someone cares about what I've been up to, what I've been doing, and where I'm going. So tonight, I'll tell you where I've been.

On Monday, I thought I was having contractions already (I'm currently 36 weeks along in my pregnancy). So since then, I've been...

• to the doctor's office for him to tell me that I'm not having contractions.
• to two different baby stores to purchase those last minute, extremely important items that you can't leave the hospital without (a carseat being one of them)
• to the store to buy Dreft, size 1 diapers, food, and other essentials that will be needed once baby is here
• to the car wash (I want my baby to come home in a clean car, I decided)

In short, I've been like the Energizer bunny this week, getting ready for this baby. Some call it nesting. I call it panic. Suddenly I'm realizing that my life is going to drastically change in a few weeks, and I'm doing everything I can to prepare for it.

And in the midst of all of this, I look at Elizabeth and I realize my time with just her is limited now too. And I am sad about that.

So many emotions. So much anticipation. In a few weeks, it will all be over, and a new life will be mine to care for. Life is happening, and I am right in the middle of it.